Fallout from the Bareback Video (6)

Hey there! Thanks for coming back. Listen, I'd like to share something with you. Many of you might know by now I’m working in a porn video rental store here in Atlanta. You may also know that last year, I did bareback porn for the first time, which is a fatal career move for a porn performer. No regrets, but had I known the backlash would have been as great as what it was I most certainly would have thought twice.

I tend to be a stubborn person in general. A bit obsessive compulsive and ALWAYS on the side of the underdog. Sometimes I will get an idea or curiosity in my head and not let it rest until I feel satisfied by some sort of resolve. Once the shit hit the fan after I had done the bb film, the voices and outrage directed toward me really started taking their toll. See, the general consensus was that by doing bareback porn, I was advocating barebacking in general – something I most certainly did not wish to do. Rumors started flying that I was out barebacking with any and everyone. I felt like the subject of a witch hunt. All the towns folk were after me and I was on the run big time. Once Will Clark, J.C. Adams, and even David Forest joined the mob, I was down for the count. There was really no way out. Or was there?

I started asking around and posting comments on various messageboards. It turns out the ones screaming the loudest were not without black marks on their pretty white cloaks. This really intrigued me because I couldn't and still cannot figure out how it is that folks can say one thing and do another and not be found out. Even when they were discovered to being a hypocrite, it seemed heads were turned. Being a newcomer and easily expendable (from an industry point of view), was I turning into a scapegoat? Someone to point a finger at? 

It seemed I was. No matter what I said or did the quicksand was quicker than I was. I decided to give in and except my fate. Funny thing is when you are in quicksand, as long as you are still and do not thrash about you don't sink. You also see a lot more than you might if you continued to fight a loosing battle.

I started to notice things like websites that sell and rent porn that list their top ten best sellers with five out of the ten being bareback. Yet, all the emails and postings on messageboards were saying they would never rent or buy bareback porn. There must have been a glitch or an error. Right? Then I started hearing about other performers barebacking, performers who were working for well known studios that oppose barebacking, studios that condemn performers for barebacking. Some of these performers even spoke out against barebacking, yet while no one was looking, they’d slide a big, fat, hypocritical, uncovered dick up their asses. Hmm, now why am I being called out and shunned but these other performers were not? These performers who are making safe sex videos, enjoying star recognition, selling videos to the public who is outraged by me making bareback porn are doing the very same thing but no one sees it. I even started noticing studios pushing the edge so far that I started asking the question when is it considered bareback again? I mean how much of the dick has to slide into the asshole before it becomes bareback?

Very interesting I thought. Still I am down for the count. I can hear the referee in the background 6...7...8... It wasn't until I started working at the video store that I got the feeling back in my hands and feet and slowly started to push myself off the mat. I had come to find out there was nothing wrong with the various websites account of their best sellers. Since working at the video store I have rented more bareback porn than I could have ever imagined. Almost every single customer that comes into the store rents or has rented bareback porn. I would venture to guess that four out of five customers that rent on a daily basis are renting bb videos. It was really starting to blow my mind. Here I was feeling horribly guilty and shameful at the hands of Will Clark and J.C. Adams, not to mention all of the anonymous emails and messageboard posts, because I made bareback porn and in doing so I may have endangered someone else's life. Some poor unknowing guy was going to watch me take raw cock up my ass and do the same. My only consolation was hopefully he would have seen me NOT take any loads up my ass. Well, it was my only consolation until I got the balls to start asking my customers why they were renting and watching bb porn.

One day while having a conversation about barebacking with my boss, who btw is a huge safe sex advocate, he mentioned to me that the customers rent bb porn because it is fantasy. He said, and I will never forget this, "They will never do it themselves, but they like to fantasize about doing it. By renting porn they get to live out their fantasy in some way." Wait wait wait. You mean I am feeling guilty for nothing. All of those people who said people watch porn and act out what they see in videos were not correct? Surely my boss had it wrong. So I started asking the customers themselves. After all, I was starting to see a tiny light at the end of this huge tunnel I got myself into. I'll be damned if I didn't get the same response for every customer I asked. Every single person I asked either said they were watching to fantasize about barebacking, they liked it because it was hotter than condom porn but they would never try it, or that they were watching with their lovers. Some of the guys admitted to having open relationships but said they when they did have sex outside of their relationship, they would only use a condom. I even asked some of my coworkers about it who basically said the same thing. It was a fantasy. They would only bb if they were in a long term relationship and only after both of them had been tested for HIV. One even confided in me, which really took me by surprise, that he had actually turned down sex with a guy that wanted to have unprotected sex.

Now in all fairness of this account I do need to mention that I did have a couple of people tell me, and this includes my boyfriend who I have had many a heated discussion of this topic with, that they do not support bareback porn being made but since it is being made they will watch it. I have to assume these are the same people however that will rent and do not have a problem with "pre-condom classics" because they were filmed before HIV was know about. Yet I still have to ask the question doesn't pre-condom and bareback porn today send the same message. As far as the argument goes that if people watch bareback porn today and try it, can't they do the same if they watch pre-condom porn?

Most recently my boyfriend and I argued that he did not agree with people putting themselves at risk intentionally. Yet he could also not justify to me studios allowing cum eating nor cumming on a guys asshole or one performer teasing another performers hole with the head of his cock. When I explained that people took assumed risks everyday by driving their cars or smoking cigarettes he said he didn't HAVE to drive a car. Which I find amusing because his commute to work is 45 minutes and I wonder how he would get there otherwise? He couldn't explain the smoking one to me though because he smokes. He just got quiet.

Look, I am not here to say whether making bb porn is right or wrong. I think for the most part Will Clark does a great thing by organizing fundraisers for HIV/AIDS organizations. He does it very well. I thank Will for that but what I am here to say is that I do not agree with the scare tactics and ostracizing that happens in this industry. The arguments and criticisms I have been dealt are lame. I no longer accept the responsibility (as I did not so long ago) for someone else's well being because of a film I made. I am here to say, “Okay, maybe I should not have made a bareback porn, but I did and so far I have gotten more recognition from the bareback porn than from the condom porn I have made.” I am here to say that I relinquish all of the guilt and the bad feelings that have been placed upon me by certain people in this business. It was unjust and unfounded. Again, I say your arguments are lame and if you don't believe me, hit the streets and ask some folks. Don't rely on anonymous internet users or fans of your cause to form an opinion or consensus.