Bar Relations and Schmoozers

By Danzine, Teresa

NUMERO UNO:

This bit ain't for every dancer, but it has its place. It's about dancer to barstaff relations. I think Portland is cool because nude dancers and alcohol can be under the same roof. Who serves our drinks? Either the bartender or cocktail waitress. It's customary to tip out 10% to the bar at the end of the shift. Whether they served me a cocktail, food, or water, I think its reasonable to tip out that 10%. Why? Cuz I work for tips and I know it makes a big difference in service. Example: A few bar staff folk told me that when a dancer stiffs them a tip out, they immediately fuck 'em up by a) not giving the customer his change in ones, b) not making rounds on the rack, asking customers if they need change, or c) asking the customer if he needs a drink just when the dancer is bending over in front of him. More importantly, what manager wants to give someone good shifts if they think the dancer won't kick down the minimum? By no means is this a silky threat, because I'm a dancer and have never served a drink in my life. But it doesn't take a lot to see that if everybody's beak is wet, there's more money to be had.

On the flip side, I think it is unforgiveably rude for bar staff/mgnt to try and gage the dancer's tips, and then challenge us on our tip out. How much we earn on stage is our business, and I can guarantee that the moment a dancer feels she is under speculation or is not trusted, she will undertip. These clubs are too small to pull bitch on each other, and a happy worker is a generous one.

NUMERO DOS:

Without a doubt, we gets lots of attention due to our job. Most of it is positive, some of it is lousy. Then there is that one guy who is way into you, throwing out lines like y'all gone fishing. The harder he trys to be original with his rap, the more predictable he comes across. Good intentions considered, I try to let this guytype down nice like, but sometimes you get these shmoozers who really want to get to know you, who just wants to see you outside of the bar, and could you give him a chance?

Here it is, Teresa's top eight comebacks for the guy who can't hear no...

1. So what do you do?

Where have you been the last ten minutes! I dance naked for money, and where's my beer?

2. (after tipping a few ones) You know, it would be cheaper if I just took you out to dinner.

Thanks, but my landlord hates leftovers.

5. Just let me take you out. I know you hear this all the time, but I'm different.

Thanks baby, but if I accepted every offer for coffee, movie, dinner and dates, I wouldn't have time to flush.

6. Why are you so beautiful?

(don't say anything, just start picking your nose)

7. So why do you dance?

Unlike every other living, breathing, person on the planet, I don't need to feed myself, pay rent, buy clothes, put gas in my car, nor appreciate electricity. I guess it's 100% fun, thanks for the dollar.

8. So where's your boyfriend?

I think I saw him checking into a hotel with your mother.

9. I bet you don't like guys, huh?

No, I just don't like you.
or
I love them all, if I just wasn't so goddamn ugly.

and Teresa's top comeback for that special shmoozer...

10. Where can a guy like me, meet a girl like you?

Leave work early, go home, and in the bedroom you'll find me doing your girlfriend.

Danzine was a progressive program running for nearly 9 years, starting out as a 'zine and eventually including needle exchange programs, a thrift shop, and international distribution of their printed 'zine. Founded by Teresa Dulce, Danzine continues to be an inspiration in spite of its sad closure in 2003.