HOOK: E-zine By, For, and About Men in the Sex Industry

Years ago in a bookstore in London, I was scrambling to find some books to read for the long bus ride back to my Uncle’s home in Essen, Germany. Determined to get some fluff reading, I picked up Christian McLaughlin’s Sex Toys of the Gods and another somewhat slim volume. The cover art had blue and pink stripes and a photo of a sexy man with words painted on his body. Aiden Shaw was its author, and somewhere in the back of my head, synapses fired and the name invoked a sense of slight familiarity. But why?

I opened to the first page in the book and there was my answer in the author’s bio. Aiden Shaw, the man of the cover, whose first name alone oozes sex, was as porn star, and apparently, a fiction writer. Porn star as novelist? Why not? Let’s give it a try!

That book, Boundaries, was in fact Aiden’s sophomore book. And after ravaging through the fun fluff that was Sex Toys, Shaw’s book proved to be nothing close to fluff. A curious and suspenseful story, written in vignettes in which shit actually moves the plot, Boundaries had closed in on me. I was captivated. Who is this Aiden Shaw guy?

By the time I finally shook hands with Aiden in a gym in Chelsea, New York, I had already read Shaw’s other two books (Brutal and Wasted), several of his poems, and various interviews with him. What I knew of him (or thought I knew of him) was mish-mash of facts, phrases, tones, verses, and photos all wrapped up in a mysterious, ever transforming package. But how could it all be captured in an interview? It couldn’t be, as I found out after trying to trace the changes in his artistic and public (sex) life. So like everything else before, we let the words just speak (or not speak) for themselves.

[Writer’s Note: What was an interview ended up to be more like a dialogue (below). My original questions are in regular font and follow up questions/responses are in italics. Aiden’s answers are in bold AND PRESUMABLY ANYTHING IN BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS WAS HIS OWN EMPHASIS.]

You've said before that prostitution, at first, was not only about ridding yourself of debt, but as a kind of art project that you and your flatmate Marc Wayland collaborated on and made its way into your writing and performances.
We were both drawn to it for our own reasons,
I found it fascinating, Sexy, And fun. It was bound to find its way into our work.

What themes or ideas seemed to emerge then?
Mainly the human condition of there being fear around sex.
and now--upon reflection
the same
--seem to reoccur in your current creative endeavors-your music, for example-these days?
I still find this an inspiration

It seems a common 'self-discovery' as a result of getting into sexwork is being able to locate oneself within the culture's notion of desirability;
Really?
and furthermore, accepting that position as some relative truth,
?
if not totally relishing in it.
Do you think so? Are you saying it’s nice to be desired?

What I am saying is that people often “figure out” how they measure up on the “desirability stick” particularly when they start in sexwork.

this isn't how it was for me

So in other words, how do you feel you measure up?

i feel i measure up well
but i think being loved gave me a better understanding of my worth

Some perhaps think of you as the pinnacle of what is desirable,
Shucks!
have you always felt desirable?
No
How has it changed for you from when you started as a sexworker until now?
Naturally, as I’ve grown older I’ve become more comfortable within myself. I think this is quite usual. I can’t say how much sex-work played a part in this. I guess you’d have to assume it did have an affect, but your guess is as good as mine as to what affect that was.
You have said in the past that you don't like porn.
I meant watching it, but when I’m high I can get into it.
You in fact had stepped away from it for a period
I was just busy doing other stuff
and but recently decided to start shooting it again.
I thought it was time. Also, I liked the idea of being, “PORN STAR EX-WRITER AIDEN SHAW ”
What had changed that you decided to return to it?
I was paralyzed and in a wheelchair for some time due to a car accident. This made it quite difficult to continue on that career path
Why did you stop in the first place?
In my life stop and start are too definitive. Sometimes i do this, sometimes that.
Again, congratulations on finishing the manuscript for your autobiography!
Cheers
Phew! Now, that nearly killed me
Did you at any point have an anxiety about what you going to disclose?
Only for other people’s sake
For example, exposing your relationship with your family
No (They seem to be quite proud of me).
or sharing the more vulnerable times in your life?
No way. Why would I?

I read recently that your favorite book of yours is actually your poetry, If Language at the Same Time Shapes and Distorts Our Ideas and Emotions, How Do We Communicate Love? Are you still writing poetry?
Sometimes

What tends to be your topics in your poems, fear in sex as well?

similar stuff
in varying degrees

Alright, enough about writing for the moment, and let's get back to vulnerability. Many demonize weakness and have a hard time allowing themselves to be or be perceived as vulnerable. How do you respond to vulnerability in yourself and others?
It’s a constant source of entertainment. Torment. And “material”
What things bring you the most joy in your life now?
David. Nina. Marc, and Flora.

When I first met you, you seemed so terribly shy, even a little guarded. What does it usually take for someone to get past all of that so he or she can interactive with that "unguarded" you?
Be nice. Allow me to like you. Be unguarded.

This leads me to intimacy. What to you is the most intimate act one could share with another person?
For me, it’s not so much about the act, but intention.

So how do you decipher intention?

it's intuitive

I mean, how do you get past self-doubt as to what those intentions may or may not be?

leap of faith
throw caution to the wind
gut responses
and other clichés

Is sex really all that intimate these days?
I’m sure for some it is. For me it is sometimes. I don’t necessarily believe it has anything to do with a sign of the times in which we live

How do you feel about public displays of affection?
It depends on the context

Complete these sentences:
Somebody you really want to kiss believing (in their heart of hearts) that you’re the only person in the world that will satisfy that kiss is sexy;
them acting on this is sexier.

Like many male sexworkers I know, you seem to have a "dis-identification" with the "gay community." Has the "gay community"-whatever that is or, means-personally been a source of alienation?
Yes
Has it always been so?

yes

How so?

i may as well have another sexuality
it's that simple
TO MOST IT'S AS THOUGH I'M NOT GAY
BUT A SEX-WORKER

As queer men, we often make community and family with (to paraphrase Genet) the "accomplices of our lives." Who are your necessary accomplice - the ones you couldn't do without?
David. Nina. Marc, and Flora.
From what I garner from some of your past interviews, it seems regret figures largely in your life, and in a way, there isn't much solace to be found in your past. Am I wrong? And do you feel that one's past can actually be "redeemed?"
Currently, having no regrets seems to be a cool/trendy thing to believe. I have no more regrets that the next person. Only, I admit that I have them.
And what of redeeming your past? You think it is possible or even a worthwhile enterprise?

just because i have regrets
that dosen't mean i want to redeem anything
i accept my regrets
my mistakes
my failings
and my flaws

What limits you now-or better yet---what limits you now that you intellectually think it shouldn't?
Prejudice
Given the mark you have made in gay sexual culture, how do you want to be remembered?
I don’t know.

What makes you laugh hardest?
Getting treated special because I have a big dick

Would you prefer not to be treated special because you have big dick?

no way

Say someone approached you (assuming they know who you are), but are really just interested in getting to know you. How would s/he have to approach you so you wouldn’t think that s/he is there just because you have a big dick?

I don't mind why someone wants to talk to me
as long as they're nice to me

What do you miss most?
Memory.

Specific ones or are you saying you have intense nostalgia.

i don't know
I CAN'T REMEMBER

Ah, back to escorting one last time. Any tips to share for being able to stay in the business for a long time?
Keep looking good (It’s the tool of our trade). Try and build something else to fall back on. If possible find punters who care about you.
Okay, and finally, besides a little holiday, are you considering anything
else for your future, or are you just improvising along the way?
Yes.