The Unofficial Circuit Queen Safety Quiz

By Daniel, NYC

1. Your current boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend’s ex-roommate for whom your boyfriend has had a longstanding crush on is wearing the same Dolce & Gabbana pin-striped, square-cut bathing suit at the Palm Springs’ White Party, and horrifyingly enough, he looks better in it than you. Do you:

a) Dive into the pool and drown yourself in shame and embarrassment

b) Charge at him with your Diesel sandals and bludgeon him into a bloody and unnaturally tanned pulp, but escape murder charges by sinking yourself in the pool

c) Go to the bar and drink yourself into a show-tune singing stupor, eat a protein bar or four, and then immediately dunk yourself in the pool

d) Get over it

2. At the Saint at Large Black Party, a strange, but hot and young looking guy with incredibly well-defined Chelsea/WeHo/South Beach bitch-tits offers you a frozen cosmo that you didn’t see the bartender pour/serve. Do you:

a) Accept the drink because your breath smells like dick and you need something to kill the germs

b) Accept the drink because even if the gorgeous stranger had open cold sores, the alcohol in the drink would likely kill the virus

c) Accept the drink on the condition that he shows his ID proving that he is over 21

d) Kindly decline the drink, but flirt to your heart’s content

3. There is nothing worse than coming down from your K-hole at the Morning Party, particularly when no one has offered himself to you for sex. But as though Satan’s ears were listening, an extremely wealthy looking but equally hideous old troll offers you $5,000 and some GHB to fuck you. You don’t want the party to end already, so you:

a) Take the drugs first and insist on doing it doggy-style so you won’t think of how much the man looks like a lovechild between Jacko and Bruce Vilanch

b) Pocket the money first (cause you think you’re clever), suck down the drugs, and throw you legs up in air like you just don’t care

c) Attempt to rob him by shoving a golf pencil from the bar into his meaty sides and pretending it’s a gun

d) Smile, then quickly walk away as though your visa expired and INS were after you. (It’s fun being chased, right?)

4. A fuckbuddy you met at Cherry 7.0 seems to be relying on poppers and porn in order to have sex with you and to add to the drama, you are starting to have more than fuckbuddy feelings for him. You immediately call the aura colorist-Hindu mystic that Madonna once used for advice. He advises you to choose one of the following paths:

a) Stay silent, grow obsessed and begin stalking him until he gets a restraining order on you

b) Have your fuckbuddy move in, begin acting like the perfect housewife, and ask him to be your baby-daddy

c) Attend a séance and call upon the spirit of Andrew Cunanan. When he inhabits you, stab your fuckbuddy while shouting, “Versace! Versace! Versace!”

d) Invite your fuckbuddy over for dinner, talk to him about your growing feelings and listen to what he has to say.

5. You’re 28 and becoming ancient in gay years. You notice a slight laugh line just before Hotlanta weekend. You haven’t missed the last six State-side circuit parties, but you’re gaggin’ over the signs of aging. You go to your manicurist, pedicurist, hairstylist, and masseur. Each gives some advice but only makes sense. Which one?

a) Don’t stop and go to Hotlanta. No one will notice how old you are if you’re not standing still.

b) Propose the following agreement with a cosmetic surgeon: for every Botox treatment you get, he gets a half-dozen blowjobs, a bran muffin, and the option to poop on your chest

c) Cleanse, exfoliate, moisturize, put on a pair of clean Calvin Klein underwear and throw yourself in front of oncoming traffic.

d) Stop, take a break, take up reading something other than magazines.

Results

If you answered mostly A, please raise your right arm, brandish a fist toward the sky, and condemn your Almighty Creator for endowing you with an IQ of a raisin.

If you answered mostly B, visit your parents. As soon as you see the folks, slap them in the face for raising you to be such an idiot.

If you answered mostly C, you should find a good friend who will assist you in applying for disability checks, because it is obvious that your stupidity is a “handicap.”

If you answered D for all of the questions, consider yourself a thoughtful, but not necessarily unflawed, human. We all make mistakes, just try not to make too many of them.

Daniel sucks cock best after he’s been decently mind-fucked. A former go go dancer/stripper, he is now taking strides to fully develop his inner smut-peddler, but not spending nearly enough time accommodating his bisexual envy.

When doing neither things, he can be found in the kitchen cooking his spinster life away or strategizing to achieve his lifelong goal to be both an expatriate and cultural juggernaut by shamelessly promoting himself. Read his funny writing at www.amateurbastard.com, his politically-oriented work at www.spoonfedamerika.com, and saucy sex poems in the anthology, Take Out: Queer Writing from Asian Pacific America.

Daniel Lee is Managing Editor for HOOK. Learn more here.