10 Celebs I Would NOT Want to Star Fuck

By Daniel, NYC

I’ll be honest; if you’re a star, I may give you some leeway as to whether or not I’ll have sex with you, even if you are “skag nasty,” “Gorgon hideous,” or “immaculately revolting with ‘special’ sauce on top.” For example, Billy Joel. Some might describe him as, “all kinds of vomit-inducing fugliness,” but when you weigh in the celebrity status, I would probably still fuck him just so I had a story to tell. This, I might add, does not preclude anonymity.

If one were to analyze atarfucking, one might find a fascination with money and/or power. Money in that many—but certainly not all—celebrities seem to have more coins than the average wage/salary earner, and of course, it is far from ridiculous to desire to “mingle” with a higher echelon/class/caste particularly if one is just a street-raised gutter punk fucking the shit out of one of Hollywood’s elite. It would seem so deviant, so transgressive, and frankly deviant and transgressive is totally hot.

Likewise, the flow of power seems to be reversed: trick controlling the desires of a famous john, a cultural speck in command of a cultural juggernaut. Imagine bedding a politico from the far-right wing: isn’t the potential of being the reason why someone’s entire political career lays in shameful ruin absolutely titillating?!

But then there are those whose fame, money or power could not save them from chastity…and I’m talkin’ grARSE not only as a physical entity, but also as a public persona. I’m talkin’ people whose mama’s were slapped by the doctor for bringing such a creature into this Godforsaken earth. I’m talkin’ textbook ugly. I’m talkin’ vile as defined by surpassing the point in which a mirror can stand reflecting back such heinousness. You feel me here?!

So here are 10 “celebrities”—in no particular order—I would NOT touch (and neither should you) even if it meant losing a million dollars, the Miss USA crown, or a Happy Meal. Also, I included some “helpful” tips after each “star.”

1. Tom Green
What was Drew thinking?! As evidence from Tom’s last movie (what was is called? “Long Ride to Crapville?”), he is into rodents! Tom likes hamsters in the way ole Mr. Grere has long been accused of…and I am very pro-animal rights, therefore I say ~NO~ to Mr. Green! Honestly, I just don’t think I can compete with Stuart Little or the The Rescuers.

Tip: When potentially engaging with a star who is into rodent play, be safe and remove the little creature’s teeth and nails. It would be very considerate of you if you save the celeb from the added embarrassment of having to go to the ER if for some ungodly reason something unthinkable happens.

2. Siegfreid & Roy
Not only would the sex be gross, and far too theatrical/showman-y but it would be COMPLETELY unaesthetic (read, “tasteless”) to have a threesome with two men who wear more animal print than every woman in New Jersey, Long Island (that’s pronounced like ‘LAWN GUYLAND’), and Staten Island combined! Moreover, the whole faggy German accent would just get to me.

Tip: You must not think it is your duty to also offer fashion advice to men who own wildcats; otherwise, you may need to change your name to “Dinner.”

3. Rudy Giuliani
Time magazine may want to suck his dick and name him “’Man’ of the Year,” but, “Not I!” says this Chinaman! I haven’t forgotten the racist crap oppression that man has inflicted upon my city! He isn’t even worth fucking on the premise that I could later blackmail or ruin his political life! Plus in certain angles, if you add a little mustache, Giuliani looks like Hitler! Filth! My cock says, “Oh HELLZ no!” in 8 different languages (including Esperanto and Java Script).

Tip: With politicos, discretion is key; and silence (without a ballgag!) is your best defense in case of unwanted “exposure.”

4. Tom Arnold
I suppose I have a slight aversion to the name Tom. In this case, how much do I really have to say here? Hmm…ugly isn’t quite a strong enough word…no talent, no charm, he got…hmm…NOTHING going for him other than he was once associated with the fantastically shameless Roseanne. Tom Arnold is as sexy as soiled adult diapers with the brown stuff penetrating through the plastic. And I don’t like shitty sex, do you? Alex, I’ll take “’Men So Ugly I Would Rather Engage With Tom Green’s Rodents’ for $1,000, scratch that, for ‘Not Enough Money in the World.’”

Tip: If you encounter a client who is not the best-looking specimen, but the money offer should not be passed up, overcome the inability to get an erection by fantasizing! You maybe HIS fantasy, but that certainly does not mean he is YOURS.

5. Current Marlon Brando
Ugh! <Barf!> So tragic that while he was young, I would have jumped on him before you could say “statutory rape,” but alas, time has been Mr. Brando’s ugly stick and as the years' seconds go by, so does my capacity to overlook his “looks” in far favor of his “legend.” Now, having sex with the Godfather (of what these days? Who knows? ) would probably feel like being straddled by Pizza the Hut of Space Balls fame or of course Jabba the Hut from that other movie. DissssgARsting!

Tip: With more robust clients with body issues, part of the trick is to make them feel less self-conscious, therefore, lighting is everything!

6. Snoop Doggy Dog
Damn, even Old Dirty Bastard is more appetizing and ODB is after all called ODB!!! Snoop Dog is so skinny that I would fear doing it doggy-style with him would be like trying to fuck an almost completely decomposed corpse. Sex with Snoop Dog would sickeningly actualize the term “skull fucking.” Please, only if there were a bullet in the room…

Tip: If there is a bullet in the room, make sure the gun you would like to use is registered.

7. Richard Simmons
Granted Miss Simmons has done good things for those…umm…horizontally gifted, but that just doesn’t eclipse the thought of schtupping him while he shouts out, “Pony with me! Let’s pony! I’m a pony!” That just ain’t appealing. Really, it’s his white man’s afro that probably takes him over the top to the land of ‘No Suckee Suckee, No Fuckee Fuckee.’ Sweat to his oldies? I like my other option—seppuku!

Tip: According to Japanese tradition, it is shameful to fall over backwards after you have impaled and gutted your internal organs out. Thus if you do attempt seppuku—say after a romp with a client of Mr. Simmons’ “caliber”—make sure you have a chair against your back as you kneel for the ritual. Face first or die a loser!

8. Roger Ebert
No stars, no thumbs up.

Tip: Even doing an overnight with a larger client with perhaps a respiratory problem, make sure you turn him on his side to prevent some freakish auto-asphyxiation.

9. Homer Simpson
A kind of Tom Arnold, S&R, and Current Marlon Brando mélange, but even more ig’nant, I just couldn’t bare the streak marked tighty whities, the voice, the hair, the smell, the radioactivity, and the jaundiced skin. His stupidity would fail to amuse me and I would resort to violence with an eraser and graphite pencil. Does Mr. Simpson even really have the equipment and orifices to satisfy? Even if a Tom of Finland unit were grafted onto Homer, I would rather switch teams and take on Marge’s twin sisters or Mr. Hanky.

Tip: When making a date with an imaginary celebrity, check with his “agent” as to when you need to have him back in the studio, and then seek psychiatric help.

10. Liberace
Not even he was alive, and certainly not now that he’s dead. I would rather be dead. He would have to fuck my dead corpse. Necrorace!

Tip: If you’ve made a rendez-vous with a glowing, “glamour type” who looks like he is attacked by a Be-dazzler on a daily basis, protect your eyes and wear sunglasses with UV protection even on cloudy days and at night.

Daniel sucks cock best after he’s been decently mind-fucked. A former go go dancer/stripper, he is now taking strides to fully develop his inner smut-peddler, but not spending nearly enough time accommodating his bisexual envy.

When doing neither things, he can be found in the kitchen cooking his spinster life away or strategizing to achieve his lifelong goal to be both an expatriate and cultural juggernaut by shamelessly promoting himself. Read his funny writing at www.amateurbastard.com, his politically-oriented work at www.spoonfedamerika.com, and saucy sex poems in the anthology, Take Out: Queer Writing from Asian Pacific America.