HOOK: E-zine By, For, and About Men in the Sex Industry

In a perfect world, you will negotiate the client back into the fold. Even if you like him. Even if you happen to think he is charming and handsome and you have racked your brain for hours why this guy is paying you for your time. He could easily attach himself to a single, wanting man without breaking a sweat and you are glad he has made you a regular. In the perfect world, he is still a client, and you don’t overlook his existing family, his history of relationships, his prior experiences with ‘escorts’ that didn’t work out. If he tells you that you are the first, you are aware that he seems more at ease than you are. You notice these things in the perfect world.

But there are lights. And music. And you are caught up in something –for lack of a better word –nice getting time with a guy you like and cash to spend at the end of the night/weekend/hour. There is an overall goodness about him that seems to blend an unequivocal feeling of safety, sensitivity, and genuine interest in your well being. If not by alcohol or other intoxicants, it is this moment that seems to give this client something special (and there is no doubt that he is something special).

But for how long? What was his attraction in the first place? Why is he a client, and is this a kind of power relationship he romanticizes?

I am not the pessimist that I fear becoming about dating clients – and in my past, I have had great experiences doing it, but in retrospect, there are a few things that warrant some caution. A few things I didn’t know then, know now, and pass onto you so you can avoid some of the same difficult positions.

First, whether you like it or not, you are going to have to talk about it soberly, directly, and in very clear terms. That means covering some pretty intense stuff like:

Money. You make your income off of time with other men. If you stop taking him as a client, you will need to find other clients to fill that gap. In some cases, guys will offer to ‘take care of you’ for a period of time, but you need to ask yourself if being in a situation where you can be easily discarded and not have a place to stay, an income, etc. is one that you are comfortable with should the relationship sour. This is not about trust, this is about making sure your needs are being met.

Ego. He is not your only client, and that needs to be clear. In order to meet the money needs you have, you will likely need to continue seeing clients. Few clients realize that your enjoyable ‘sessions’ are what you do with all of your clients. Will they be able to ‘share’ that part of you and respect your choice to be or not be in the industry?

Real life. Your time with a client is a very different ‘you’, and sometimes we forget that as escorts. We are more accommodating, more patient (the money being incentive to endure). The real you might not like some things about your client’s sexual practices – or might have bad days – or might be playing the rough and tumble top but crave something more sensitive or vice versa. When we are in a session, we are often performing and the client might expect that ‘performance’ to be real 24/7. Are you ready to do that?

Second thing is to take some distance. The client may be all hot and heavy and inspired you to do the same but that might only crash on you if you don’t take some time out to really think the situation through. In some scenarios, escorts have taken a month away from a client before going on a real romantic date. The separation offers time to get some clarity and also marks a good space between your relationship with them as client and your relationship with them as a potential dating partner.

Have a group of friends that you can talk to about it. That’s a good third way to make sure you don’t walk into a mess. Having their support and opinions might help guide you into a better situation. Your client may be a good guy, but he (like you) might not be thinking clearly or, in some cases, your client doesn’t have your needs in mind. As a leftover of being hired, your needs are secondary to his in his mind (they should ALWAYS be first in yours), and so it helps to have friends outside the industry to offer some good feedback and know they are looking out for what’s best for you.

Finally, and maybe this should be first – but I put it here because it is often the last thing we think of – think about what your emotional needs are and whether you are in a vulnerable state that could put you in a bad place. Sexwork is tough, and it is, for many, the last resort for a whole host of situations from running away, to economic struggle, etc. Moving a client from a financial source to a personal resource is a huge step and one that most often, serves the client better than it will serve you. They are not usually in the position of struggle. They are not usually the ones who are having to make the very difficult day-to-day choices in their lives.

In a perfect world, as I said, it would be easy to keep clients as clients, and you wouldn’t find yourself wanting to fall in love and be loved so much. The best thing you can do is keep some of these ideas in mind and stay true to yourself.