Back in the Game

By Ted Linden, NYC

“I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, but, as you’re probably aware, the e-commerce project isn’t going as well as we had hoped,” my boss said pressing her fingers together into a little triangle.

“Uh-huh…,” I said, already knowing exactly where she was going. Before she had even gotten the next sentence out, I was thinking, “Great, now what am I going to do?”

“I’m really sorry but we’ve had to eliminate your position. Since you’re a freelancer we can’t really offer any sort of package aside from giving you three weeks notice.”

A few minutes later I walked out of her office downsized and surprised at how relieved I felt. I harbored no bad feelings. Dotcom layoffs were happening all over the place and I had been anticipating this for a few weeks. Up to that point, I had been struggling to fit into the corporate dotcom atmosphere and frankly, I was getting bored. I needed a change. Before working there I’d done a variety of work: theater, finance, publishing. My resume was termed “eclectic” by one recruiter. I’d even escorted for a short time.

My time as an escort was brief but fun. I had a handful of clients, and 2 guys who hired me 3 times each. I had a day job that didn’t pay well and used my escort money to stay in the black financially while having fun. I might have pursued escort work a little more fervently than a simple AOL profile and 2 escort site listings if I hadn’t been worried about friends, family or my boss discovering it.

But that’s exactly what happened. My mistake was sitting in AOL chat rooms at my day job advertising my services. The job was going nowhere, and I just didn’t have the balls to take action and quit. I was sloppy about hiding it, and at the same time, my work slipped. I eventually got canned. In retrospect, I think I actually wanted to get canned, so I wouldn’t have to take the action myself.

Around the same time, a regular client began to behave in ways that set off my danger signals, and I stopped responding to his requests for time. On top of all that, my boyfriend began to hint that he wished I wasn’t escorting. It was all starting to pile up.

So I quit. I deleted my escort AOL profile and the listings on the 2 sites. I started temping, took part in a personal development seminar, and quit killing myself at the gym for potential clients. I made every effort to put escorting behind me.

Yet here I am a year and half later, unemployed, disillusioned with the corporate world and wanting something new. I find that the idea of trying to start over again at the bottom of a new job is not appealing in the slightest. Paying my dues aside, I’m tired of kissing butt just to learn where the best place to eat lunch is. I want to start my own web and graphic design business but am realistic about cash flow. I really don’t want to go back to temping and waiting on tables in New York can be hellish. So I’m wondering… could I escort again?

My desire to get out of the corporate world stems from a growing desire to live a different kind of life. There are a variety of things I want to do that range from gourmet cooking to bodybuilding to being a piss top. I kept telling myself that working in a 9 to 5 world would let me do these things on the weekends and still be successful. But as time went on, I realized that my concept of success was based in my comparisons of myself to others. I also realized that I was creating an entire way of life for myself out of those comparisons. This may be human nature, but I didn’t want to live like that. I wanted to live my life as I saw fit and not the way I was “supposed to”. I was wanting more out of life than just a job and career. I wanted to pursue the gourmet cooking, hit the gym, design my graphics and have the freedom to do all the other things that are currently bouncing around my brain. The 9 to 5 world just didn’t allow that.

I have to admit, I realize that I’m very fortunate to be able to even make the choice to be a sexworker versus doing it because I don’t have any options. I’m educated, healthy, I drink in moderation, and as the years have gone by, I’ve gotten bored with drugs (I’m actually quite useless on them). Of course, there are other things I could do, but at this moment in my life, I don’t want to do them.

Yet could I be financially stable as an escort? Being self-employed clears the way for me to not worry about a potential employer discovering my escorting and thereby losing my job. It allows me a little more control over my own income. It also requires a sense of being realistic. I’d have to factor in the inevitable slow downs in business for both escorting and designing and have a contingency plan. I’d have to consider problem clients and the inherent risk involved in escorting . If I got arrested, any funds I had managed to save might be wiped out in posting bail. If I am faced with jail time longer than over night, my design business could suffer. I would need to consider the possible repercussions of what would happen if a lucrative design client discovered I escorted and pulled their business.

I also need to consider my boyfriend in all this. I know he doesn’t disapprove of escorting, per se. We have friends who are currently working as escorts while pursuing other things. Yet, he said to me when I was taking clients before, that he wondered if I was exploring all my options. This time though, he knows how leery I am of taking another corporate job. He knows I want the time to develop my own things. I haven’t had the conversation with him about getting back into escorting yet and need to do so before I start looking for clients. I have no intention of doing this behind his back, and if it becomes an issue, we'll have to consider finding something else.

Getting back into escorting would be a major choice for me. It would be a change in the way I’ve looked at my life and the way I fit into the world. It would require me to give up a few hang-ups and preconceptions about what kind of life I want to lead. It would be liberating to take control this way but I have to be realistic that it could alienate people if they ever found out. I need to think about a lot before I do any thing. When I escorted last time, I started without even considering what could happen (I couldn’t even remember the name I’d given my first client when I got to his place). I’m not that naïve any more. This time around I’m going in with my eyes wide open. I’m aware that I’m not 24 anymore and if I’m going to have regular clients, I’ll have to almost double my gym time (outside the steam room). Yet with all this ahead of me, I’m still thinking about it.

I’ve recently created a new AOL screenname for escorting and today began reviewing the free escort listing sites. I may have to broach the subject with my boyfriend sooner than later. But if I’m going to make this change in my life, if I’m going to do what makes me happy apart from other people’s expectations, if I’m going to do this right, I need to be up front and honest. Not just with the people around me, but with myself, as well.

Ted Linden lives in New York with his partner. He got started in escorting doing work as a erotic art model and is currently seeking work in that area. He is in the process of developing a web site to show case the results of his modeling work.