HOOK: E-zine By, For, and About Men in the Sex Industry

Regardless of whether you consider yourself a massage therapist or escort, a body worker or callboy, a sacred intimate or hustler, or a male companion or prostitute – the majority of society (American society, at least) probably considers you a con artist, gigolo, gold digger, or Don Juan. Even many licensed and certified massage therapists face the accusing or insinuating stare of doubting Tom and Theresa’s when they divulge their professions to curious folks.

As a result of this curious fact, many folks in the touch- and sex-work industry are cautious about who and why they divulge their full- or part-time jobs to. And since many of the men in this industry are gay on top of everything else, they’re faced with a double challenge. After you’ve crushed your parents and/or friend’s hearts, hopes, and dreams by telling them you’re queer, do you add insult to injury by tell them what you do for a living or in your spare time (when you’re not doctoring, or lawyering, writing, that is)?

In The Beginning

For myself, I always knew I wanted to be a sex worker – always; and if not a sex worker, certainly something close to it. But for years (and years and years) I lacked the self-esteem and self-acceptance to go into the field. For me, it eventually took a mediocre experience with a “sensual body worker” to compel me to think seriously about going into this business.

However, thinking about doing something and actually going ahead and doing it are two very different things. After actually having wanted to do it for about fifteen years, I seriously considered it for about two more. In my mind, I measured out all the myths regarding the vocation I was thinking about pursuing. Would I really want to “date” old fat men? Would people actually pay me for the privilege of taking me out to dinner – or more? What if my parents found out?

During that period I began to devour books on the subject of escorting, bodywork, massage, and the sex industry in general. Critical to my decision to take the plunge were John Preston’s Hustling: A Gentleman's Guide to the Fine Art of Homosexual Prostitution and Aaron Lawrence’s Suburban Hustler: Tales of a Hi-Tech Callboy. As I read Preston’s book, I really wished that he was still alive so that I could meet him – he seemed like the type of person I could really relate to. Fortunately, Aaron was always willing to make himself available for advice – both online, by phone, and in person.

I was enough of a professional in other areas of my life to know that what I wanted to do was provide legitimate and spirit-based sexwork (bodywork, etc.). I also knew that the business of escorting, bodyworking, massage, etc., were virtually all the same in the public’s perception of them as sex in disguise. I also knew that mainstream books on the industry of bodywork would probably ignore many critical aspects of the business I’d need to know about: a client’s need for discretion, the worker’s cleanliness, reporting “illegal income”, etc.

Eventually, I decided to take my chances and see how things would turn and things worked out swimmingly. Most of my clients turned out to be extremely likeable and sexy individuals. Not only were they willing to pay to take me out to dinner – and more – they were willing to give me handsome sums of gifts, money, sterling conversation, and more.

For the purposes and scope of this article, I’ll fast-forward by saying that I was fairly successful in my endeavors using many tools offered up by Preston, Lawrence, HOOK, and others. I got a cell phone and website, got my name out there through free web classifieds, and started taking clients. The rest is very recent history.

Degrees of Exposure

There are many, many degrees to coming out as a sexworker. Some guys decide to tell a carefully selected few, many disguise their actual profession with subtle words that may or may not mean sexwork (words like "specialized bodywork" or "professional companionship"). Others, such as career escort Aaron Lawrence (and myself), manage to come out in a big way, but still remain anonymous to their families and friends. This is amazingly possible in this electronic age, even though many have facial photos of themselves on line.

Impact On Your Real Life

There are several things you need should concern yourself with when trying to decide whether or not to come out of the closet as a sexworker.

One is why do you want to tell? What underlying motives might be pushing you to come out of the sex worker closet?

New York City escort Alex West (Alex4hire@aol.com) says that when he examined his motives for telling his parents, he ruled the truth out for the time being. His friends suggested it might cause his parents needless pain. “I'm out as a sexworker to most of the people in my life,” he says. “I still haven't ruled out telling my parents, but I want to feel sure of my decision. Maybe it's limiting my relationship with them, but I'd rather bear the burden of non-disclosure than cause them pain, if I'm not clear about my intentions in telling.”

Are you looking for fame and fortune (the potential to find both in the sex industry is great)? Do you consider yourself a healer that wants to touch as many lives as you can? Perhaps you’re just a bad boy who enjoys making society squirm, considering escorting payback to a society that limits your potential?

Remember that whatever your motives for going into sexwork turn out to be, one thing is certain. No matter whether you opt to become a certified massage therapist or a street hustler, you will be perceived by many people in the gay community as a person who earns money providing a service that ought to be free. This is particularly true when you cross the line and provide “love for sale.”

This concept is especially interesting when you compare sexworkers to other professionals that provide a health-specific service: doctors who precipitate the otherwise natural healing process; psychiatrists who use therapy and drugs to change a person’s moods; religionists who offer spiritual rejuvenation, and artists who are paid when they capture real-life on their individual mediums.

The results of these professionals: better health, well-being, a sense of oneness with the Universe, and the artist who engenders awe, are otherwise natural things that are merely encouraged by the professionals. Without these professionals, at least presumably, people would be left to their own devices to get well. Why should bodywork and sexwork be seen any differently? And why are the very people who discourage the legalization of prostitution often its most prolific users?

Even though Mark Wellington, in Washington, DC (i_am_markwellington@hotmail.com) considers himself a full-service male companion, his website merely hints at what he really offers. “I decided to aim at the local tourist market and people who are afraid to say what they really want. Mark is open about what he does with his very close friends, but is cautious about being overly public. “I have a full-time day job that treats me well, at least from a benefits-package point of view, and don’t really feel like rocking the boat on that. And even though his website merely hints at the “escorting” nature of his work, he’s considering changing that. “I realize that by becoming more public I risk letting my job find out, but the site just isn’t pulling in enough business. I’m going to spice it up and maybe even add some pictures. One client actually did a review of me on HooBoy and that forced me to think about targeting the “john market” a bit more.

Coming Out To Family: Profiles in Caution and Courage

Coming out as a sexworker can seriously impact your relationship with your parents and siblings. Because of this, you should give serious thought to your reasons for doing it.

Aaron Lawrence, the author of two books on the subject of career escorting (njescort@aol.com), says, “I'm not out to my folks, but I am out to two of my little brothers. One was coming out to stay with me for a week. I told him he was welcome to crash on my couch, but that he needed to understand there are some awkward facts about my lifestyle. I probably should have said career, because he then assumed that I was a transvestite!”

Evan Teed, a Vancouver-based escort, sensual masseur, and erotic house cleaner (evan@f-ckme.org), is open to everybody about what he does except his mother and sister. “I've simply chosen not to tell my mom because I know it would upset her unbelievably. She's a very conservative Christian with ultra-conservative beliefs. Because everything I tell my sister will get back to my mother, I haven't told her.”

Other than those two, Evan says, he’s completely open with everyone else. His mother knows he owns a cleaning company but doesn’t know the exact nature of the company and is aware that Evan has numerous other business ventures. “We don't discuss business aspects of life much so it's very easy to not talk about my escort work. When she comes to visit--which isn't very often since she lives 8 hours away--I just take time off from work and spend the time with her.”

Adam (sydneyescort@yahoo.com.au), an escort in Sydney, Australia, dabbled in the escort business from the time he was 17 years of age. “My mother has been the most supportive and understanding person in my life and I love her to death. She worries about me like you would not imagine, mainly about disease and being killed, bashed, etc. You know, the everyday dangers we put ourselves in.” Adam is in a unique situation because his mother was or has been a sex worker in the past. “My mum, knows only too well. I have unbelievable admiration for her. She was hooking for only one reason — survival — unlike me, who hooks for 'lifestyle.'” Adam says he considers himself lucky in this regard because he and his mother know everything about each other. “We never judge, just talk. It's ideal. It's heaven! It is annoying, however, when she calls and I have clients on call waiting!”

Josh Adams, an escort who works out of Dallas, Texas (blueeyedboy4now@aol.com), once gave his sister $400 and told her not to worry about paying him back. This act of generosity resulted in his mother asking him how he had the money. “I told her I was doing erotic massage. My mom is not stupid. She knows what I meant when I told her that - it was just enough information for her to know and not ask more in depth questions.” Josh adds that he feels comfortable knowing that he’s been honest with his family and friends. “I deplore liars, thieves and cheaters and can rest comfortably knowing that the only things I lie about are my name and age. 90% of everyone who knows me guesses me at 22, not 31. As long as I leave a client and everyone is happy and they want to call on me again, then there is no reason to divulge further information -- unless they choose to fly me some place, at which time I have to use my real name and age. Honesty is always the best policy...a trait so seldom found in the gay community.”

Alek of San Francisco (bobk@webtv.net) decided to tell his family when he began escorting in 1980. “Well, let's just say it didn't go over very well! As open minded as my family is, that was too much for them to digest. My brother and sister-in-law had more concerns around my health, etc. But my parents had old stereotypical attitudes - like how can you do this to yourself, and only people with low self-esteem do something like this. It was very, very difficult for my parents especially.” Still, Alek says, his parents made it very clear that he would always be their son and they would always love him – regardless of his profession.” Eventually he quit escorting, but returned to the industry in August 1999. “Needless to say, I didn't tell mom or my brother. It saddens me because I am so close with them, and I feel that I can't share a major part of who I am with them. But, I don't want to go through all that again.”

All of his close friends, however, know that Alek escorts, and have been supportive. Now he’s considering coming out even more as a sexworker and being more openly about it with people. “Fortunately, I live in San Francisco, so people tend to be more open minded about this out here. I haven't gotten any bad feedback yet, although I still think there are certain situations that would be best left without disclosing what I do – for instance, my landlord doesn't need to know I do this.”

Theron, an escort in Chicago (chicago4hire@aol.com), told his parents about his profession and says they handled it quite well. One reason he gave for telling was his philosophy of life that dictates people have the right to make their own choices – provided they hurt no one else. However, such honesty, he says, comes with its downside. “The people who love you then need to accept you for who you are. I do not tell others how to live their lives, and they surely do make choices I would not make. As a matter of respect, I do not allow anyone to tell me how I should live mine. “

Another reason Theron is open about his identity is because his family is computer-savvy and could, at least in theory, see their relative advertised online. “The possibility exists that they could happen upon my site. Maybe one of their friends could see it. The point is I always felt that the knowledge that I was an escort would be more difficult for them to hear if they discovered it in another way. I feel the most loving thing I can do then is be honest and allow them to hear the truth from me.”

On the other hand, Don Thomas (don@don-thomas.com), an escort in Washington, DC, says his family is very tight-knit and maintains a strong sense of personal space, boundaries, and privacy. “My parents would never share with me the most intimate secrets of their marital relationship unless it would have some effect on me (perhaps a new child on the way, some problems at work that might affect the family budget, or, God forbid, a divorce). By the same token, they have always respected my privacy. Unless I broached the subject, they wouldn't question me about matters they consider my personal business.” His family has known a long time about Don’s gayness it is probably, he says, that if he were to tell them about being an escort, they would given him an honest assessment, not spare his feelings. “I would have their unconditional love, but that is not the same thing as their unconditional support.”

Randy Cochran (randycochran@webtv.net), a California-based escort, says his parents knew he was gay as early as age three or four. “Pop wasn't too happy, but Mom was wonderfully supportive. In fact, she got me into the sex industry in my late teens.” This was, says Randy, at a time when male exotic dancers where just becoming big. “I'd love to dance and run around the house in my Speedos. My mom had suggested I give dancing a try – and she was right! Randy moved into videos after that and was nominated for best actor at the AVN awards (Making It Big) -- his mother proudly shows the video box cover to her friends.

When it came to the escorting work Randy’s father had come around a few years later. “We'd become closer in my adult years. He’d joined my gay pool league, along with my younger brother. I've even had the opportunity since to take my folks on calls (not actually in) just to get them out of the house. I've had them ride with me down to Laguna or some other beach town and while I took care of the client, they'd be enjoying the sights. The business has been good; it allowed me to bring my whole family to California and take care of them -- until they where frightened back by the big Northridge quake.”

Outed By Surprise

Jim, an escort in Atlanta (Atlgaescrt@aol.com), talked about being recently outed to his boss. “It came about as a result of the article about escorts in OUT magazine about 3 weeks ago. Some friends of my boss looked at the websites listed -- which were Escorts4you and Hooboy -- both of which I'm on. “ They told Jim’s boss that Jim had nude pictures of himself “plastered all over the internet” and that he was selling his body. “Boy, that didn't go over well at work.” Jim’s boss confronted him and Jim didn’t deny it. “He wasn't that bad, though. He basically said that I should let him know if I needed more non-escort work, presumably to 'make ends meet.' He also said that if I needed to talk to anyone, he was there. We haven't discussed it again since.”

Alek (San Francisco) had a similar thing happen – only with him it was an ex-lover. ”He saw my ad in one of the gay papers. He recognized my phone number immediately.”

Denver escort Marco Rosini (dnvrbbldr@aol.com) once used a fellow-escort lover as a way of keeping professional tabs on each other. His lover, who wasn’t very comfortable with the idea that the two of them were escorts, understood their need to earn an income. “We both had pagers and we used them as a way to keep in touch. We’d let the other know about our clients and when we were going to be with them.” The two shared vital information regarding sessions: client name, hotel, phone number, length of call, etc. This process afforded both a sense of protection that they might otherwise not have. “If we were being flown out of state for a client, we also gave one another flight numbers and times of arrival and departure. We always made a point to call and let the other know that we arrived safely and when we were getting ready to leave. This was our way of looking out for each other.”

When the two broke up, mostly because his lover wasn’t comfortable with their both being escorts, Marco approached a close friend to ask him if he’d fill his ex-lover’s precautionary shoes. “He was totally cool, even though he does have concerns and wants only the best for me. I call him and let him know that I am going to be with a client, especially if I am going out of town." To this day, Marco continues these precautions by letting his friend know when he’s arrived at a client, when he’s finished up the session, and even when he’s safe back at home. "If something happens while I am away or if something should happen to me, he knows where to start looking.”

Honesty: To Thine Own Self Be True

Evan Teed thinks that honesty is always the best policy; he says that being honest lets you relax and be yourself without having to guard what you may say or keep track of lies you may have told trying to maintain a façade. And that goes the other way, too, says Evan. “I believe that just like my friends can depend on me, I should be able to expect the support of my friends -- if I can't, then they're not true friends! I do have a couple friends who are utterly mortified that I'm a slut-for-hire because they have personal moral issues with it, but they are still very dear friends and I know I can count on them for anything.”

Theron agrees. “I feel many of us hide what we do from people based on fear that we will not be accepted, which is given power by a feeling of inner shame. Where friendships are concerned, I have never understood the concept of, `Let me hide who I am because if you really knew me you might not like me.’ I'd always just prefer to find out, and then if someone does not like me after they learn the truth...well they probably never were a true friend anyhow, and I am always glad to find that out so I can move along and invest my time with people who do.”

Escort Mike Conway (mikeconway_can@yahoo.ca) enjoys people who want to be with him for who he is. “Most of my friends think that it’s kind of cool. I believe that people will take cues from you in how you deal with something like this. If you act like you have something to feel bad and ashamed about, then often you will get treated that way. If you present yourself with nothing to feel badly about, often the response will be the same.”

How escorts behave publicly once they come out can have an enormous impact on how people think about sexworkers in general. Filling the stereotypical street hustler type is okay as long as you make it clear that that’s a professional decision and something you are offering your clients. It should not spill out into your total professional image/persona – that’s where the fine line between a well-thought-out career and a lousy life created by happenstance is drawn.

Lukas is an accomplished and aspiring writer/sexworker and has contributed a number of great articles to HOOK. You can find him at his site.