HOOK: E-zine By, For, and About Men in the Sex Industry

I was a male prostitute from age 12 to 35. I am now 48. For 23 years I turned tricks of all kinds, from $20 blow jobs to $500 for more 'exotic' specialties (BD, SM, etc.). I made lots of money, had lots of sex of one kind or another. So HOW could it have cost me?

It has cost me one hell of a lot more than I ever made!

Anyone who gets into the sex trade, as a child or as an adult, faces the following: lack of trust, loss of intimacy, detachment, turning the senses off, problems with boundaries towards others, themselves, others' actions to them, loss of self worth, confusion of sexual identity, relationships, behaviors, hiding behind false bravado that what you are doing is harmful, that you are actually enjoying this. So much pain (emotional, psychological, intellectual) that you have to try and stifle it with drugs, booze, more sex, risky behaviors, and anything else we can find. We deal with loathing of self and sex partners, flashbacks of rapes and violence, the need to pretend we are in control, when in fact, we are not!

In the sex trade you fake intimacy, fake involvement, fake interest. So what happens after you leave prostitution? You are so used to faking everything, you can't do the real thing! You question why anyone wants you, you look for the catch, their real reason for wanting you; or worse - you fall into an automatic pilot! Your body is there having sex, but you are elsewhere, far away - where it is safe, and you feel nothing!

You can have erections, orgasms, and all that, but you are not there! And the longer you hook, the longer it takes to get over that, if you ever can! For me, sex became a job, as mindless, mind numbing and boring as flipping burgers at Mickey D's! I had sex on demand, whether I wanted to or not. Give me the money, I'll turn it on and then, get the fuck away from me! And in a lot of ways, sex today is still like that. I don't feel any connection with any partner, even though I am retired from hooking. I don't feel the contempt or apathy towards my partners like I did for the johns, but I am not connected. It is very hard for me to stay interested, focused on what is going on without 'zoning' out. My term for mind is away, somewhere safe.

Today, I have to be the one to initiate sex. That is the only way I can 'stay' grounded enough to enjoy it. If someone was to come up behind me and pat my ass or grab me, they had better duck, 'cause I will slug 'em. And keep on slugging them. I know that is a result of childhood sex abuse.

I have spent the last 10 - 12 years working on all of these things. It hasn't been easy. In fact, it has been a real uphill battle. I don't regret my past, but I want to get on with my present and my future.

A new issue has come up as I am learning about healthy intimacy. Do I tell someone interested in me about my past? If so, when? Do they need to know? Do I need them to know?

I have quit drinking, drugs, the sex trade, risky behaviors, and hanging out with that crowd altogether. I am in therapy for years of sex abuse. I am light years away from where I was as a hustler, and will probably spend the rest of my life working towards feeling better. I will never be 'OVER IT', but I will feel better about it.

Don't think it will never happen to you! It's happening right now. I always thought I was in charge, in control, the one with the power! After all, the johns were willing to pay me, weren't they? And they would pay more for me to humiliate and degrade them!

But was I the one with the power? No! Money controlled me! Money for shelter and food, but moreso, the drugs, booze, and partying deadened my senses so I wouldn't feel the pain, shame, and all of the other things I didn't want to face. I lived with denial for all the years I was a hustler.